Due to my newly invented schedule, Tuesday isn’t normally a posting day. But I caught sight of this tidbit on the Washington Post and thought I’d share it. I’m sure you guys will be so grateful for my break with protocol.
For all you celebaby naysayers out there who don’t believe in the existence of Suri Cruise (that would be me), here’s a kick in your cynical gonads: a “wiretapped” conversation between Sean Preston and the Suri-nator herself.
Enjoi.
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Sean Preston: Yo Suri! Wazzup?
Suri: Sean! I’m just chillin’ and trying to clear my latest engrams (painful memories). My daddy was dancing around in his underwear and screaming ?You’re dangerous, Maverick!? into the mirror. Mommy then mistakenly yelled, ?Be quiet Dawson!? and it went downhill from there.
Sean Preston: At least your dad is in his underwear. My folks walk around the house naked and make up raps like:
We’re country y’all, and we’ve hit the wall;
Cuz we got no chance, to make people dance;
But we don’t care, so we walk around bare
It will all be good for some intensive psychotherapy later. Oops, sorry Suri, I’m not supposed to use the p-word around you.
Suri: That’s O.K. I’ve already arranged for a team of psychiatrists to help me whenever I get out of this place.
Sean Preston: My mommy used to really be into Kabbalah until she stopped practicing it because it was too hard to spell. That’s when Aunt Madonna stopped visiting. I miss her but sometimes it hurt when she held me. Mommy then decided to make me her religion which ain’t too bad except when she writes poetry about it.
Suri: That’s some crazy [poop]. Luckily my mommy and daddy don’t have many friends except some lady from Saved by the Bell.
Sean Preston: My daddy has way too many friends and they never leave. But now we have the Manny who runs a tight ship. When are you going to make your debut anyway?
Suri: I don’t know. My dad doesn’t want me to face the press. He says they just make stuff up like you’re gay, or an alien, or washed up.
Sean Preston: No dog, you got it all wrong. You gotta get your face on all the mags. We’re people who need People. The pavarottis will love you!
Suri: I know. I’ve been practicing my cute faces for the photographers.
Sean Preston: No! Cute doesn’t sell… at least not for long. It needs to be dangerous. And you gotta do it now. You’ll be old and washed up next month. Here are my tips for staying in the headlines. Don’t you dare let Infangelina see this. She doesn’t need any more help in keeping us from the headlines.
Squirm around photographers especially when Mommy has her hands full.
Always refuse to be restrained.
Never misbehave unless the photogs are there.
Don’t complain when Mommy dresses you like a gangsta. That’s front page news, baby and maybe even gets you a mention on Letterman.
Manny good; Nanny bad.
Stay away from Blanket. He’s just freaky.
Suri: Thanks, Sean. As soon as we get the rights fees worked out for the photos, I’ll make my big debut.
Sean Preston: Oh no! It’s too late. You should have negotiated the fees during the labor. They’ll agree to anything then.
Suri: I tried but my attorney was out of town. Daddy is asking for $5 million for a new statue honoring Operating Thetans but Mommy wants to use the money to build a big rowboat that’ll take her back to Dawson’s Creek. She calls it her ?happy place?. I’m just hoping to get enough to pay for the lawyers to emancipate me.
Sean Preston: Oh, it’s not so bad being a celebaby. It’ll be over before you know it. And one day, when you’re talking to your shrink or parole officer, you’ll actually look back and miss that magical time when you were the hottest poop in town.
Suri: Thanks, man. I’d better get back to my crib. I think Daddy’s home. I just heard him jump on the couch.
Sean Preston: Yeah, I’d better go and remix Daddy’s latest single. He’s got no ear for music. Later, shorty.
Suri: Later, babe.
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And for those whom the previous article contained NO interest, here’s a pack of lies press release from Star Jones-Whoeverthehell on the state of her trumped up marriage:
One question — who the hell names their child “Scales”??
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Forget those rumors that you’ve heard about Star Jones Reynolds and husband Al Scales Reynolds being headed for divorce court. Not true, I am told. A friend of the couple told me last week that the latest reports, which originated on the online blog Media Take Out, are “completely fabricated works of fiction because face it, Star is hot right now.”
The Media Take Out report claimed Jones Reynolds’ banker husband “visited the offices of the divorce law firm Blank Rome LLP in New York’s Chrysler Building.” The report went on to say that her husband had a two-hour meeting in the building and then attempted to “quietly sneak out of the building. But before he could leave, [a] witness tells MediaTakeOut.com, ‘I walked up to him and said, ‘Al, is that you’, and Al ran out of the building-almost knocking over a pregnant woman.”
When I spoke to Jones Reynolds back in June about her departure from ‘The View,’ I asked her then about the constant rumors regarding her marriage. The former Payless spokeswoman said that the media scrutiny and negative reports have certainly taken a toll on the two.
“The media speculation has been just as trying on [Al] as it has been on me. We’re partners in life, and what affects me affects him. What makes us grow stronger each day is that we deal with the obstacles that come with life in the public eye hand in hand like we deal with everything else in our lives. So that man is my confident. And I’d be lying to you Jawn if I said the speculation and the tabloid gossip had not gotten to us and doesn’t affect us. It’s not easy being under such intense scrutiny by the media. All we’re trying to do is live our lives as Mr. and Mrs. Reynolds. But, be very clear, in carrying yourself with grace and dignity, throughout all of the speculation and innuendo and all of that. We choose to do it that way,” she told me, moments before boarding a Los Angeles-based plane in New York City for her highly-rated appearance on CNN’s ‘Larry King Live.’
“My husband is the strongest most wonderful man I could have ever asked for. I can’t emphasize enough that I could not have done any of this or withstood any of the last two months, if you think about it; this has been a very tough couple of months on me. I love my husband, and he loves and respects me-period! People can say what they want, but Al and I share what I like to call an unbreakable bond. We have always been deeply committed to one another and our marriage,” said Jones Reynolds.
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rules no panties
